I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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