I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
