I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
