I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
