If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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