I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
