I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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