Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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