you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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