I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize