P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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