Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize