oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
