I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize