I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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