Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
