That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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