she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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