You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
