I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
