Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
