He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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