thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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