look no pants
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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