youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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