i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
