I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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