I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize