About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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