barbara walters just said penis...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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