My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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