okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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