When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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