you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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