Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
