it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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