Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
