I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
