highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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