The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
