oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
