In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
wrigley field is MILF paradise
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
