Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
