Tell her she can't have a vagina
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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