this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
