I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Welp...herpes.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
