how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize