And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize