theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
