as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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