pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
