Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize