I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
