I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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