When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize