I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Randomize
