I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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