you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
