is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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