gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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