I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
