Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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